Divorce is one of the most shocking events in family life. It’s not just about a husband and wife separating, but about major changes in a child’s life. The house that once felt whole is now torn apart. Routines change. Different atmosphere. Warmth may feel reduced.
For parents, divorce may be the end of a relationship. However, for children, divorce can be the beginning of inner confusion: sadness, anger, disappointment, and even feeling lost.
A child may ask in his heart: Why is this happening? Am I the cause? Should I choose one? Is my family not normal anymore? What should I do after this?
Islam as a perfect religion does not ignore this reality. Sharia recognizes that divorce can occur. However, Islam also emphasizes that divorce must not damage morals, must not destroy the relationship between parents and children, and must not eliminate filial obligations. And there is one thing that is very important to understand, namely that divorce does not erase a child’s obligation to be filial to his parents. Allah Azza from Jalla said,
And We commanded humans to do good to their parents.
“We have inherited it from humans to do good to their parents.” (QS. Al-Ahqaf: 15)
This verse makes no exceptions. There is no mention of “as long as they get along” or “as long as they live together.” That is, under any circumstances, including after a divorce, obligations Birrul Walidain still happening.
Understanding divorce as part of God’s destiny
The first step for children is to understand that divorce is part of Allah’s destiny. Allah Subhanahu Ta’ala said,
No calamity befalls except with Allah’s permission.
“No calamity befalls except with Allah’s permission.” (QS. At-Taghabun: 11)
This does not mean that divorce is something light or painless. It’s still a disaster. However, as believers, we believe that every event occurs in the knowledge and wisdom of Allah.
Sometimes, a household filled with quarrels, violence, or ugliness can actually be more damaging to a child’s soul than the separation itself. Allah knows best what is best, even though humans do not always understand its wisdom.
What is very important to understand is that children are not the cause of divorce. Allah Azza from Jalla confirm,
No one who carries a burden will carry another’s burden
“One will not bear the sins of another.” (QS. Al-An’am: 164)
Children do not take responsibility for their parents’ mistakes. He does not bear the sin of decisions that are not his own.
Divorce ends a marriage, not the parent-child relationship
Divorce only ends the relationship between husband and wife. It does not remove the status of father and mother. A father is still a father, even though he no longer lives in the same house. A mother is still a mother, even if she has remarried.
Allah Azza from Jalla said,
And befriend them in this world with kindness
“Associate both of them in the world in a good way.” (QS. Luqman: 15)
Filial piety does not depend on the circumstances of their relationship with each other. Even if parents have shortcomings or mistakes, children are still instructed to maintain manners, not shout, not belittle them, and continue to speak politely.
Also read: Don’t easily say the word “divorce…”
Not unfair bias
One of the biggest tests of children after divorce is the pressure to choose sides. Sometimes one parent tells the other’s mistakes. Sometimes the extended family has an influence. Children can be carried away by the current of hatred.
However, God Azza from Jalla said,
Be fair, it is closer to piety.
“Be fair, that is closer to piety.” (QS. Al-Ma’idah: 8)
Children should not tyrannize one of their parents just because of a one-sided story or a moment’s emotion. Being fair does not mean closing your eyes to mistakes, but not hating blindly and not breaking off relationships.
Rasulullah sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam said,
Whoever breaks ties of friendship will not enter heaven
“Those who break ties will not enter heaven.” (HR. Bukhari and Muslim)
Cutting ties with your father or mother due to divorce is a big mistake.
Likewise, parents who have divorced must also be able to be fair to their children. Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam said,
Be fair to your children, be fair to your children
“Be fair to your children, be fair to your children.” (HR. Abu Daud, An-Nasa’i, and Ahmad)
Maintain oral and family secrets
In the era of social media, family problems are often made public. In fact, Islam really protects family honor. Divorce is not a public story. A wise child protects the honor of his family.
Rasulullah sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam said,
Whoever protects a Muslim, Allah will protect him on the Day of Resurrection
“Whoever covers the faults of a Muslim, Allah will cover his faults on the Day of Resurrection.” (HR. Bukhari and Muslim)
Rasulullah sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam also said,
Whoever believes in God and the Last Day, he should speak well or be silent.
“Whoever believes in God and the Last Day, let him speak or remain silent.” (HR. Bukhari and Muslim)
Even though parents have separated, maintaining family honor remains part of noble morals.
Managing emotions with faith
Divorce can give rise to feelings of anger towards the father, disappointment with the mother, hatred of the situation, and even trauma towards the marriage. Sadness and anger are human feelings. However, hatred that continues to be harbored and maintained will hurt oneself.
Remember the good news from Allah, that Allah loves those who can control their anger and have a forgiving nature,
People who provide in times of good and bad, and people who restrain anger and forgive people. And Allah loves those who do good.
“(Namely) those who spend (their wealth), both in free and narrow times, and those who restrain their anger and forgive (mistakes) people. Allah loves those who do good deeds.” (QS. Ali ‘Imran: 134)
Holding back anger doesn’t mean covering up wounds, but managing emotions so they don’t damage yourself.
Be patient in the test
Allah Drug promises good news to patient people,
And convey good news to those who are patient
“Bring good news to those who are patient.” (QS. Al-Baqarah: 155)
And God also said,
Only people who are patient will be given their full reward without reckoning.
“Indeed, those who are patient will be rewarded without limit.” (QS. Az-Zumar: 10)
Patience in conditions like this is not weak patience. It is patience that strengthens faith.
Don’t use injury as an excuse to be damaged
Some children who grow up in divorced families become violent, rebellious, distant from religion, or hate marriage because of their parents’ experiences. In fact, parents’ mistakes are not a reason to destroy your own future.
Allah Azza from Jalla said,
And do not plunge yourself into destruction with your own hands.
“Don’t let yourself fall into ruin.” (QS. Al-Baqarah: 195)
Allah Azza from Jalla said,
Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change the condition of themselves
“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change the condition of themselves.” (QS. Ar-Ra’d: 11)
Strengthen your relationship with God
When the family’s sense of security is shaken, the strongest place of support is Allah. Allah Azza from Jalla said,
And whoever relies on Allah, Allah is sufficient for him
“Whoever puts his trust in Allah, Allah will provide his sustenance.” (QS. At-Talaq: 3)
Prayer becomes great power,
Oh my God, have mercy on them because they raised me when I was young
“Oh my God, love them both as they loved me when I was little.” (QS. Al-Isra’: 24)
Prayers are still read, even though the parents have separated.
Be a better child
Divorce can create two types of children: 1) children who are broken and full of wounds; or 2) a mature and wise child.
Remember God’s word Azza from Jalla,
Indeed, with difficulty there is ease
“Indeed, with difficulty there is ease.” (QS. Al-Insyrah: 6)
Use this bitter experience as a lesson to build a better future.
It’s time to rise
Parental divorce is not a child’s choice, and feeling sad, disappointed or lost is a human thing. But don’t let the wound change you into a person who is hard, hopeless, or far from good. Your worth is not determined by your family circumstances, but by your attitude in facing the test. If you remain devoted even though your heart is hurt, maintain your manners even though circumstances are not easy, and remain close to Allah when your sense of security feels shaky, then you are actually raising your status with Him. It could be that from this test God is shaping you into a more mature, wiser and stronger person. Don’t let sadness destroy your future, but use it as a stepping stone to grow into a better person and closer to Allah. Hallahu Ta’ala a’lam.
Also read: Attitudes towards Abusive Mothers and How to Advise Them
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Writer: Gazzeta Raka Putra Setyawan
Article Muslim.or.id
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